Disenfranchised Grief and Depression

Ok. I'm talking about a very heavy subject this morning. Sorry for those of you looking for "light reading." Maybe you should google on something more cheerful if you can find anything in the news.

Disenfranchised grief is grief experienced by an individual that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publically observed. The loss experienced is real, but survivors are not accorded the “right to grieve” by anyone around them. An individual may have an intense and multifaceted reaction to a loss, yet those around him are completely ignorant or invalidating about the sadness that person may feel. Society at large simply is not comfortable with grief and for the most part completely ignores many instances of grief.

Some examples of disenfranchised grief are:

1) Loss of a pregnancy due to miscarriage
a. People say stupid things like “you can always have another baby.”
2) Loss of a pregnancy due to abortion
a. There is no public venue and complete lack of permission to grieve the loss of voluntary pregnancy termination
3) Loss of a child in an adoption process
a. Complete lack of understanding by society at large
4) Loss of an ex-husband or ex-wife
a. People say, “Wow! You should be glad they are out of your life now!
5) Break up of a gay couple
a. Complete lack of acknowledgement by society as a whole

When a person is in a disenfranchised grief circumstance, they are unable to process the emotions involved in that loss. They will do this usually completely alone and with no support system. The grieving process is always best done in community. It is important for others to share the tears and the pain of the loss. Yet in the instances mentioned above,parties involved in these losses are completely abandoned and isolated in their pain.

While there is a great movement of grief support groups in our nation, even those are probably not going to touch on the above mentioned losses, unless someone finds their special niche of group. They are available but sometimes hard to find.

The grieving process can be a long, difficult and painful process. The ideal way to grieve, again, is to have someone walk that valley of pain with you. It is the isolation and the abandonment that heaps even more coals of pain onto one’s heart in a disenfranchised grief situation.

Without validation and confirmation from another person, the emotions of sadness get pushed down. Eventually a person with disenfranchised grief will find themselves with a full blown case of depression.

Some common signs of depression are:
1) Lack of interest in things that used to bring joy
2) Difficulty getting out of bed in the morning
3) Sluggish, tired feeling
4) Unable to sleep or restless sleep
5) General feeling of sadness
6) Crying spells
7) Feeling fearful

Disenfranchised grief needs community for healing. If you are suffering from depression caused by disenfranchised grief it is important that you find someone to walk the valley of sadness with you. You can either find a professional who is trained in grief counseling or find the particular support group that would pertain to you. At the very least, it is important for you to find a friend who could listen to your story and who would be a safe place to cry with you.

You can take a grief inventory quiz on my Web site at www.missingpieces.org

Sad Grandma?

Future and past met and collided when I held my first Grandbaby in my arms. Women of choice are often overcome with an unexpected flow of happiness and grief when they meet their first grandbaby.

If you have chosen a voluntary pregnancy termination you need to know that grief after an abortion choice is real. While our culture says that abortion is the closure, what I see from my personal vantage point and also the professional venue, the abortion is a start of a long process to resolution.

Here are some things to consider if you are a Grandmother with voluntary pregnancy termination in your past.

1). The grief you feel is real. You are experiencing disenfranchised grief over your abortion experience. There is no permission to grieve your choice. There is no public forum to even talk about what you feel.

2). You are not alone. Over 50 million women have made choice decisions. The majority of us feel just like you do. We want to cry, but don’t feel like we deserve that option.

3). Grieving an abortion is a process that can take many years and can run in cycles. An event like holding your first grandchild can trigger all those feelings of confusion and sadness to rise up inside of you.

4). There is a lot of hope and many places to talk about your abortion experience where people understand how you are feeling. You can go to www.amazon.com and type in “help after abortion” to find books on the subject.

5). You can find a support group where other ladies feel the same as you. There is a lot of comfort available in a support group setting. The best Web site I’ve found for this help is www.abortionrecovery.org They will have a listing of counselors and support groups and other helpers available 24 hours a day.

Be encouraged! You are not alone in your overwhelming celebration of new life and sadness over life that wasn’t allowed. Collin Grant is an amazing person. I feel so privileged to be “his Gammy.” I will always remember holding him that very first time. Even when he walks down the aisle at his high school graduation, I will think of him as that little person all wrapped up in the soft blue blanket. I grieve, but not without hope.

That little baby gave me hope for new beginnings. I wish this hope for all my sisters of choice who sit silently in their prison of silence over a past voluntary pregnancy termination.

30 Years of Tears

Recently,I had a woman on my couch (literally) who wept and wept about the abortion she had 30 years ago. She was only 16 at the time of the "vpt". She had never talked about the abortion, much less cried in front of anyone. This wasn’t anything about the legalities of abortion. This was one woman’s heart that needed to let out the grief she had felt so long. We’ve taken the issue of “choice” off the streets and out of the back-alley. It is now time to let those who have made the choice grieve their loss without the spotlight of political or religious dialogue. Women who’ve made the choice shouldn’t have to risk rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or disapproval just because at a later point in time they are searching for resolution to their loss.

Out of the Back Alley

We’ve taken the issue of “choice” off the streets and out of the back-alley. It is now time to let those who have made the choice grieve their loss without the spotlight of political or religious dialogue.

Women who’ve made the choice shouldn’t have to risk rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or disapproval just because at a later point in time they are searching for resolution to their loss.

Those who’ve chosen shouldn’t have to assume that if they even try to resolve the grief around the issue that they are putting choice in jeopardy of de- legalization. This would be paramount to a person suffering from alcoholism being afraid to get help because it might cause the nation to go back into the era of prohibition.

It should not only be “OK” to get help to process a past abortion, but it should be absolutely acceptable in the eyes of our culture.I’ve been helping women grieve their abortion losses for 14 years now. Through this process, I’ve realized that we are keeping women in the dark ages because they are unable to grieve a very important loss in their life. This type of grief is called disenfranchised grief.

Bringing the "A" -Word Out of the Closet

Glamour Magazine courageously displayed an article early this year(February '09) that will be the catalyst, I believe, for revolutionizing the way women process their choice decisions. You can read the article titled, "Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren't Talking About Until Now" here: Abortion: The Serious Health Decision Women Aren’t Talking About Until Nowhttp://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/02/the-serious-health-decision-women-arent-talking-about-until-now

The "A"- word incites an incredible amount of political and religious rheteroic. In the meantime, women of choice sit silently with no venue to grieve. Women don't talk about their choice decisions for fear of risking rejection, condemnation, misunderstanding or invalidation of the pain they might feel.

There is a natural and unavoidable grief process for choice decisions, yet there is no venue for talking about, crying or expressing any emotion about the loss. As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am using "vpt" ~ "voluntary pregnancy termination" instead of the "A-word" when helping my clients grieve their pregnancy losses incurred because of past choice decisions.

"Vpt" brings processing and resolving the grief connected to the loss out of the political realm into the true heart issue women face...that of grief and loss. We’ve taken the issue of “choice” off the streets and out of the back-alley. Women who’ve made the choice shouldn’t have to risk rejection or misunderstanding just because at a later point in time they are searching for closure. Women haven't been talking. Until now...